10.8.2002 I worry
I want to apologize up front for this down entry. Originally, I had an entire different entry written and ready to share, but although the following is more like a splattering of thoughts, this was more accurate, urgent, and foremost on my mind lately. Stay tuned next week when we visit an episode of ‘Esgee’s this is Armani’, but until then, I bring you this (bear with me—no really):
The other night, I had another nightmare. It was a pleasant day—blue sky and warm. I normally don’t wear a suit, but found myself wearing one today along with an overcoat, but I didn’t feel hot; just comfortable. And unlike other days, today I drove into Manhattan. I drove past the Twin Towers, passing their shiny silver exterior, and parked the car two blocks north. Strange—strange how I was able to get a spot just like that. Usually, it’s impossible to find a spot here. I exited the car. Then I remembered. Hauntingly, I turned around to look. Saddenly familiar, the towers have disappeared. I started walking uptown, looking down at my watch to see if I was late. I couldn’t remember where I was going, but in my right hand was a set of folders I have never seen before this morning. The thought occurred to me to look through them, but I didn’t—I knew I was to head in this direction.
The drumming of thunder started at first, softly. Moments later, the air filled with large drifting pellets of ash coming from the northern uptown direction. It blanketed the sky covering the blueness and drew an overcast turning everything gray. It wasn’t hard like hail, instead, the pellets disintegrated into a powder. I had never seen anything like it before. It blanketed everything. I turned around and started running back to the car trying to cover my mouth and eyes.
These nightmares—they're getting fewer and further apart. My guess is that that's how it's supposed to be. But, I worry. I worry a lot about the economy. I worry too about foreign affairs. My feelings about attacking Iraq are mixed—mostly cause I feel uninformed. I watched Bush’s speech tonight and the only thing that seems clearer to me is that the government knows a lot more than is being revealed. This is all right in my opinion. I’m actually comforted that there are high intelligence capabilities that our country uses. And although, I’m unsure of this information, I trust the judgment and a decision that will be made will be well thought out and purposeful for the greater good—and this I will respect.
Like I said, I worry. I worry about the consequences of a possible war, both domestic and internationally. I wonder what would happen to our economy. Once in a while, I read a report about economic recovery and smile slightly if it’s optimistic, but now, more than a year later, I’m starting to grow doubtful and skeptical. Reports that state that things will recover by next quarter are nice, but bear no more ground. This is disturbing. It's been difficult for people to find jobs. Everyone I know, knows at least a handful of people who are unemployed. It’s been difficult, but now, it's starting to get to be a greater challenge to even hang onto a job. Myself, I've been fortunate so far—but this has been through megatons of hard work utilizing job-searching skills and then being at the right place at the right time. Oddly enough, something that I hate so dearly I have become so proficient at. But this still does not guarantee that I will keep certain jobs. The uncertainty continues.
It's a weird unique time people say. Just like when the economy was booming and everyone drove Beamers and Mercedes, things are outside of their norm. Everyone I have spoken to has changed his or her views from optimism to tolerant pessimism about the economy.
Maybe, hopefully, things may be getting better soon.
What are your thoughts?