4.15.2003 It's been sort of tough lately...
It's been sort of tough lately. It's no secret. There's just been so much going on, some of which I don't care to write about due to the fact that it's not all that interesting - other things of which, may be interesting, but I don't wish to write about, or to a certain degree, not want to acknowledge fully. It's as though if I documented events, it would in some sense, jinx things - upset fate or chance of any good hope.
Now, there is the fact that my father is resting in the hospital recovering from major surgery. With some of my fears lifted, it enables me to at least mention this. There is still some way to go and things look optimistic. Nonetheless, the emotional state an event like this creates for the family is somewhat stressful.
Almost every day I've been taking the extra long subway ride to go visit him right from work. By the time I get home, it's pretty much time for bed. This makes the days seem obviously longer - yes, I am grateful for daylight savings.
Additionally, it's been a tough couple of weeks at work. Some coworkers actually were shocked - I lost my cool today, feeling less tolerable, I angrily just blew my top during a teleconference. First time for them to witness this, and as infallible as I may appear in their eyes, it happens from time to time. Just like everyone else, I'm human. I guess this is strange for them to perceive for I've been told I'm much more of the delegate mentor type. Oh well, shit happens.
Tonight, during my visit to the hospital, I sat by my father's bed and told him how I remembered when I was little, about seven years old, when I had to have an operation. I remembered waking up, or coming to, while in the recovery room and the pain ... it just hurt so much. And he was there to calm me down. He motioned with his hands to stay still and told me to relax and it wouldn't hurt as much. He was right. Later, he left to go purchase the toy robot I saw in the toy store and had wanted so much. It made me so happy. The robot had this really cool midsection where his chest opened up and cartoon-like drawings would be displayed. All this with, of course, the pro-quo flashing robot lights in the eyes.
My father lay in bed, with his back slightly elevated, staring up at the ceiling. He listened effortlessly seeming to reminisce, forgetting for the moment where he was. He smiled a big smile alike the shape of a half moon ... Me seeing this, it just made my day.