12.9.2003 Sucky Zen

"Sometimes my thoughts sound a little disjoint. This is because it's the current shape of my head." -- phrase of the week

Just a couple of hours ago, I landed flat on my back across the apartment steps while carrying another load of crap to the car. I've been having the most trying week since I've been back from Houston -- all by myself. This was just one of the difficult events of the week coupled along with the fact that Elizabeth and Megan are in Houston. This just makes things seem somewhat more horrible.

To reiterate over all that has been happening and provide an evaluation, I would just have to say it's just been all around freakin' *sucky*. And, I'm only being modest. It's just been one of these weeks where I feel like Zen is against me. Nothing seems to be going right.

Even later, while I exit the car, my foot gets caught in the seat belt and I almost land flat on the ground. Just sort of makes you want to punch your fist in the air and yell out, "F--- you!"

But I digress.

At the same time, I have to say that I'm mostly proud of myself, for I've been handling it quite well -- all of it. Of course, I've been receiving a lot of coaching from Elizabeth, while I bother her time and time again via her personal phone.

Yeah, we've been moving back into our parents house. They're away to China at the moment, but when they return, we were hoping that they would be able to help out with Megan. And also, we would be able to enjoy all the amenities -- like washer and dryer, and the feel of clean carpets running between our toes. This may sound fruitless for other people, but we've learned how not to take these for granted the past few years, and it's nice to have it again.

So, I've been moving bits and pieces over from the apartment to the house in the evenings. Of yes, the Nor’easter storms haven't really been making things any easier -- almost forgot about that. And yes, I've been suffering bodily injury often lately.

Another thing, a few days ago, I learned that my contract at work is not getting extended into 2004. I don't know what really happened, but apparently, things are getting reorged at work, and won't need my services anymore. Freakin reorgs. Oh well, this is the life of a consultant and I'm not really heartbroken.

Impressively however -- Usually, I freak, feel all insecure, and panickingly try to find another assignment. This time, I feel the need to just stop, to possibly see the chance to take that long awaited nap that I've been procrastinating. I have mostly Elizabeth to thank for this. She helps me stay centered. She reminds me in her own special way what really is important. She helps me perceive things in a different light to help with the situation. This, in turn, rebuilds my strength and confidence in me. I can safely say that I've never felt this level of support from any partner before. She actually helps me feel good about myself -- damn good.

We've also been wondering for a while what was going to happen come January when Elizabeth has to return to work. We wondered who was going to take care of Megan during those hours -- were we going to hire a babysitter, or possibly try daycare. After hearing about my contract non-extension, one of my initial thoughts was that I was able to spend more time with Megan.

I've always heard this before from others and it's true what they say. When I hold Megan in my arms, I tend to talk to her often. At times, when she's found the absolute balance between being quiet enough, and attentive enough, I can see her thinking about what I'm saying. She tries to mimic the shape of my lips with hers -- even sticks out her little tongue while forming the el in 'hel-lo'. She may then even go into a speech of her own. I imagine she's telling me about her day. Her face then lightens up and she smiles to me. Nothing else in the world matters.

Man, I really miss them.