12.16.2003 Christmas Blah
A friend once told me that to understand Zen is like true enlightenment. It would be the same phenomenon as one day coming out through the screen, walking up the aisle, and taking a seat in the theatre to become a spectator, to watch life, as though it were just like any other movie.
Maybe one finds peace there -- who knows. Anyway, kind of scary.
Well, a few days have passed and I feel a lot better. I miss Elizabeth and Megan terribly however. After work, I waited on the pier for my ferry to arrive to bring me back to the far reaches of Brooklyn. It was dark, and brisk with a certain chill in the air, a deafening peace. One could see the distant traffic on the highway, across the river, but it was too far to hear the cars honking and gunning their engines. Patterned spotlights shown above the river, probably coming from somewhere near the Brooklyn Bridge, but I wasn't really sure. It was one of those decorated lights where each beam rotated individually, dancing along the clouds, then gathered together to form one circle again, and then it all started over.
A certain calm -- and for a few seconds, it was quiet. It all made sense to me suddenly -- it was so simple. All of it. Everything had it's place -- every event intertwined with each other with it's own special purpose, perfectly harmonious with one another, each with a specific start and a specific ending, alike being orchestrated by the maestro.
Enlightenment for a few fleeting seconds before the upsurge feelings of emptiness started filling my insides again. Coming home after dark every night doesn't help. It's just plain dismal, cold, and lonely.
And when I arrive home to the empty house, it's time to go back out again to fetch some Chinese takeout for dinner. Driving around the neighborhoods and pondering the Christmas lights, it's pretty, but different without Elizabeth. You see, every year, we would drive around and look at all the pretty houses together. Some had colored lights. Some had little twinkling white lights, all in neat arrangements. The initial innocent wonder was magnificent. What was even more impressive was to turn to your partner and see that they were equally as amazed. And this made me feel even more thrilled. Watching Elizabeth's expressions light up with joy was truly a gift for me. Not this. Not by myself.
Even the other night, I was going to watch this television special -- the one where they light the tree at Rockefeller Center. But as I'm finding, Christmas cheer without the family just makes it seem lonelier.
[dark picture over -- brighter picture needed]
But there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I'll keep this brief. As circumstances play themselves out, I'm needed to travel out to Houston this Sunday for a work trip. So instead of having to wait to fly out on Christmas Eve, I'll be rejoined with Elizabeth and Megan a lot sooner, and in total, I'll be a Houstonite -- or is it Houstonian -- for three whole weeks.
Actually, I'm writing this on a Saturday, and auto-publishing this on Tuesday, so by the time you are reading this (myself too), and if all goes well, I should already be a temporary Houstonian.
Cool huh? :)
Woo hoo! I mean yeeee-haw!
(pictures originally from artplaces.com)
Admendment -- it's now Monday night (12/15), about 10PM Central time, and I wanted to catch the auto-posting before it hit the Net. My flight departed yesterday from NYC in the midst of a dark and dismal snowstorm, and landed in Houston, where it was sunny, pleasant, clean and about 70 degrees warm. Coincidentally, this also ressembled my insides. I was finally reunited with Elizabeth and Megan hours later. Emotionally, I felt like I had been off somewhere in a dark and lonely place. This wasn't typical. It was just the timing of it all -- everything that has happened in the past few weeks. Anyhow, things are off to a good start, and I'm starting to feel better again.