4.27.2004 Dear Mr. Diary - Hold my breath
Time has been flying by so quickly. I've been working again. A friend of mine, who I met at my last assignment, came up with a real kick-ass consulting gig and realized he needed a few friends to help him out. This assignment actually started back in March and only goes out until the end of June which is actually perfect, because I'll be able to segue into my next "thing". The timing works out quite well.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth, Megan and I are headed down South as well - very soon as a matter of fact - we even packed away the crib last night. So once again, we are sleeping in our king size bed together like 3 peas in a pod.
I mentioned a little bit about this "thing". Well, I'm sort of psyched and a bit nervous about it - alright, very nervous about it. I still feel sort of superstitious and although I'm very tempted to write more descriptively about it, I have an eerie feeling not to. There's that lingering sense that if I document things, that it'll jinx it - this alone will tilt my nervousness into sheer devastation.
Hmm, I even thought about having a little fun with the whole idea - about making a reality webshow of it all, and after the so many months that would pass by, I can finally reveal what the "thing" is - both satisfying the non-acknowledgement of the "thing" in writing, and my temptation of actually writing about it indirectly.
This next "thing". I'm very nervous. We're giving up a lot by leaving New York City. We worked very hard to make it here. We've excelled well, and have to say that we make a very comfortable living. Now, we're willing to put all that aside for something different. To some people, I know it would not make any sense. I know this. To others, it makes great sense. I know this too.
It's like deja vu. As you recall, we made the same sacrifice five years ago when we decided to leave Rochester. And life today is ... different. We accomplished what we set out to do when we moved here. And now, the adventure continues. And likewise, there's no guarantee that we'll be successful again, but I guess we're going to give it a shot. And, I know it's easy for me to sit here and state that we're gung ho with everything, but the truth is that sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror, I'm not sure if we're headed toward true happiness, or I'm flushing away our future for a pipe dream. Yes, I'm that nervous.
Last night, Elizabeth, Megan and I laid in bed in our darkened bedroom with nothing shining but a night light. Megan was already sleeping, so Elizabeth and I had to whisper to each other softly. I told her that I was really nervous about our next venture. I told her something about it feels right, but something about it makes it feel so chancy. She told me something she has never told me before. She said that when we moved down here from Rochester, she felt it was chancy. We were tossing aside so many things that were so comfortable for the chance of better fulfillment. She told me there were times she felt that she had to hold her breath.
I asked her to explain. She said that there were some rough times initially. We didn't have much money and neither of us was working. The little savings we had was rapidly being spent on the little annoyances that arose in what seemed like in multitudes - such like getting an estranged parking ticket and then later that day, get another ticket for a failed headlight - and this was for a daytime running lamp. We had left behind a comfortable house and job in Rochester, and a very comfortable lifestyle, to pursue something more adventurous. And at times, it was questionable whether it was the right decision.
I watched her whispering softly in the dimly lit room as her lips formed the words 'During those times, I had to just hold my breath'. Then, she turned to me and she asked that during these times, if it helps, that I should hold mine.
I knew what she was talking about. She was talking about faith. Not so much in the religious sense, but in the sense that maybe to trust my gut feeling, and just go with it and believe that things will turn out right side up.
Long ago, I remember friends telling me that its better to believe and to be wrong, than it is to not believe and be right. It's all about the believing - something that is projected from within outward. This is the true sense of spirituality, or faith ... of life, really.
Cause, like they say, it's about the journey, not the destination.