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04.21.98  Here I am sitting in the car returning from an impulse trip to Toronto.  Not too bad.  Actually, it is kind of nice just sitting in the passenger seat of my own car typing on the laptop.  Geek-on-wheels?  Not really.  I am looking at the cellular phone and wonder why I did not get the modem connection cable so I could dial up and surf the web.  Now, then, definitely then, I would be a geek-on-wheels.  Some people may think that I may be a geek just to be able to think up that idea.  And, Toronto is only a three-hour trip from Rochester.  So, I guess it was a reasonable impulsive thing.

I seem to have been traveling a lot lately.  I could count on one of my little hands, the different places I have been in the passed month; Los Angeles, New York City, and Toronto.  Although, it is not uncommon – it did have a different effect on me this time.  Usually, I return home to Rochester, say hello to my friends, sit down and have a home cooked meal, and feel all content.  Recently, I had to answer to the question, ‘Where do I want to be?’ and ‘Is this really home?’ It is uncanny.  I think that I am growing up again; I hate when that happens, but it does.

So, this passed week has been a series of stresses in my head – more or less.  The more I thought about where I am, wondered what I should do about it, the situation where I was at, how to progress from it, the more stressed I started feeling.  Liz caught me more than half a dozen times in my sorry-stated-gaze and snapped me out of it.

So, the questions were finally answered.  For some reason, I always knew the answer.  It had always been lurking inside me.  It was just a matter of time that it floated to the surface.  And that answer is… New York City -- The Big Apple.

<rationale>
Back in ‘84, I graduated from FDR High School in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn.  Hanging out with a few guys, who graduated at the same time, we talked about what the future held for us, and where we were going to be.  Anyway, I always thought that the deal was that I was departing to Rochester for a few years, getting my degree, and then returning ready to take on the world.  Okay, things did not go on as exactly planned.  I did leave for Rochester, earned a degree and got recruited into a large corporation, wound up getting married immediately after graduating, wound up getting divorced and went through a few other life things.  I have been here ever since.  Almost as though it were default.  Yes, I have created a life for myself here.  I have planted a stake in the ground to a certain extent.  But, the strange thing is that chronologically, I have been here almost half my life, but it still feels temporary.  The reason is that I thought that one day, I would return.  The temporary stint to Rochester would end one day.  And, I would return home.
</rationale>

Some people would have to say that this mind-frame does not actually match my actions.  This is true.  Seeing how in the passed few months, I had purchased a house, and started investing some money into the place.  Well, needless to say, this is one of the major stresses in my life; continuing my career down in NYC is the other.  I realize that if I left now, I would be taking a huge loss on this house, etc.

Well, earlier this week, I was convinced that I was going to leave right away, but reality settled in too, therefore…

…<Hush warms over the crowd> I am going to need to dwell over this for a little while…
 

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