My fear is that…

1:51am – They say that the older one gets, the more mature one is, and the more ready one shall be when tackling problems. Some of this is due to maturity, but mainly due to experience of tackling smaller problems prior. I have to say that things in the past ten years have mostly been smooth sailing, comparable to riding small waves. Sure, there were those times, but I always knew that if rode the waves without much resistance, all would be fine. Of course, one doesn’t make a statement as such without comparing this to something of greater magnitude. And as such, this has happened, or is happening…

People who know me, understand that I am an emotionally stable person – almost rock-like at times guided by a set of principles which are unfaltering. Not without a sense of humor of course – everybody needs to lighten up now and then. But even the jokes and jest may only exist atop a solid bedrock.

I would have to say however, that I think this is the first time in over possibly twenty years where alike a fighter in the ring whom has been hit too many times, I am wavering back and forth atop weak knees, about to teeter over. I am utterly helpless, exhausted from the days events, and unsure of what my next steps should be. In the recent months, I have also been afflicted possibly with the same ailments as my own mother, where I wake in the middle of the night for hours. I find these are the best times for problem solving – as my mind races to find solutions to today’s complex problems.

In exactly one week, I will be returning to Brooklyn for a short trip – to visit family and friends. Mainly to allow my father, Grandpa, to meet his grandchildren – Julian, who is five, and Megan, who is ten. My fear is that this may be one of his last opportunities to do so… My fear is that he really is not well… My fear is that he, my mother and my sister have been softening the truth regarding his conditions… My fear is that daily phone calls to him every morning will no longer be… My fear is that maybe it may be one of my last opportunities to see him… My fear is that maybe my guilt will consume me whole…